Uh Oh! Here Come The Slackers!

Folks, it's a hot one out here in Fenway Park today, with the Sox down four to the Washington Orioles. Drew Pomeranz is coming up to bat and -- uh oh folks! Here come the slackers!

Folks, it was a beautiful game. We're in the fifth inning, with the Orioles getting ready to dominate this game when uh oh! 90's style slackers are running onto the field! These Gen-xers are aimless, holding their bongs and DVDs of entire season of indeterminate TV shows! Folks, this was a wonderful game, but I am sorry to say that here come the slackers. The umpire is trying to get them to leave, but these slackers are having no respect for society's mores and are in fact completely rolling their eyes at third base Orioles player Danny Valencia! It is a massacre out there folks! Danny Valencia is being made to feel the fool for even caring! Folks, these slackers do not care who or what gets between them and doing, according to my notes, whatever they want.

Red Sox manager Alex Cora is walking onto the field. He is pleading with the slackers to go home but the slackers are in fact eating bad snacks despite being in their mid 30's and one of them has shrugged at Cora and said whatever. These slackers are an absolute threat to America's past time.

Two slackers on the field. The Umpire is approaching them. Who knows what they could be talking about. The Umpire is coming back and oh! According to his hand motions the slackers are absolutely refusing to get a job! Orioles first baseman Chris Davis has thrown down his hat and is walking off the field. We cannot blame him. He cannot play under these conditions.

The slackers have lit up a bong and playing their music very loud. These slackers' aimless conversations, while absolutely interesting despite their smallness, do no favors to their cause or the game! They have infested Fenway Park like ants and they will not leave! One slacker has sat on home plate as if it is his personal couch and is now laughing at an MTV music video as if he was Beavis or Butthead! It's a massacre folks!

Hold on. We have word Commissioner Rob Manfred is approaching the field. He is read to talk to the slackers. He is begging with, pleading with the slackers to leave. He is telling the slackers that baseball is an American past-time. He is telling the slackers these children are here with their fathers to bond over the big game. Hold on. The slackers are retreating.

They're saying... Rob Manfred is a... cool dude? Even though he's... an old fogey? This is miraculous folks! Hold on... hold on! Oh! That slacker just said "Not!" It's over folks, this game is over, baseball is over, Fenway Park is done for. These slackers just take what they want, whenever they want it! The only thing they love is zines and garage grunge music! It's over folks, baseball is over! Good bye, folks! Good bye!

RIP Baseball 600 BC - 2018

The Venom Preview

Venom. It asks the key question. What is Spider-Man was made out of cum?

It's a question that has puzzled the minds of our great pop culture mavens since Peter Parker's first appearance in 1962. What would Spider-Man look like if he was made from ink cum. It's a question that the actor playing the role of Venom, Tom Hardy, wisely considered. "We all know Spider-Man is driven by guilt -- the death of his Uncle Ben led to Spider-Man considering the duality of great power and great responsibility. But can you imagine... what if you had to answer that question while also being made out of cum." Tom Hardy nodded seriously.

Tom Hardy in the past has also played Bane which asked the question of what if cum was strong and also a wrestler.

Stan Lee was briefly released from his cage in order to expound on the fact that Spider-Man's villain Venom was made out of cum, and what it meant in the great grand tradition of the superhero. "It's a hero's tale in the primal mold!  Ever since we saw the first do-gooder, readers demanded to know, could they beat the cum version of themselves!? The first time the Mesopotamians read about Gilgamesh,  they went, 'He's pretty strong, but is he cum fighting strong!? Now that's the opposite of good -- cum! Excelsior!*"

Venom creator Todd MacFarlane put it more succinctly: "Venom is strong because the big cum is in his muscles, but he's evil because the little cum is in his chest which is where the heart lives".

We will have to wait until October to see how the producers and directors of Venom interpret the fan favorite character. The film's trailers have already been heavily critiqued from everything to Tom Hardy's accent to the way actress Jenny Slate pronounces "symbiote" (in the trailer she pronounces "sym-BUY-oat" when it should be pronounced "bad-boy-cum").

The lack of Spider-Man is another sore point, considering just how heavily he features into the Spider-Man mythos.

"How will viewers know where the cum came from if we don't show that comics scene where Spider-Man jerks off during Secret Wars!?", said film critic Owen Gliebman. "They'll be absolutely confused!"

For now we will have to wait for Venom's October 5th release** to see if audiences take to the adventures of Spider-Man's evil cum double monster. However for now, studios are hopeful. Director Ruben Fleischer said "I can see attitudes changing. You usehave to do a movie about the character and not just his cum. Now? They are going to do an entire movie where Batman fights his cum." Ruben proudly smiled. "It's a changing world."

*We took the opportunity to ask Stan Lee wether the rumors of elder abuse done by his handlers are true. Stan Lee was whisked away and we were later asked to print this message: "I am very okay and healthy. The lying press is made of inky black cum and not to be trusted."

**from Spider-Man's dick