Uh Oh! Here Come The Slackers!

Folks, it's a hot one out here in Fenway Park today, with the Sox down four to the Washington Orioles. Drew Pomeranz is coming up to bat and -- uh oh folks! Here come the slackers!

Folks, it was a beautiful game. We're in the fifth inning, with the Orioles getting ready to dominate this game when uh oh! 90's style slackers are running onto the field! These Gen-xers are aimless, holding their bongs and DVDs of entire season of indeterminate TV shows! Folks, this was a wonderful game, but I am sorry to say that here come the slackers. The umpire is trying to get them to leave, but these slackers are having no respect for society's mores and are in fact completely rolling their eyes at third base Orioles player Danny Valencia! It is a massacre out there folks! Danny Valencia is being made to feel the fool for even caring! Folks, these slackers do not care who or what gets between them and doing, according to my notes, whatever they want.

Red Sox manager Alex Cora is walking onto the field. He is pleading with the slackers to go home but the slackers are in fact eating bad snacks despite being in their mid 30's and one of them has shrugged at Cora and said whatever. These slackers are an absolute threat to America's past time.

Two slackers on the field. The Umpire is approaching them. Who knows what they could be talking about. The Umpire is coming back and oh! According to his hand motions the slackers are absolutely refusing to get a job! Orioles first baseman Chris Davis has thrown down his hat and is walking off the field. We cannot blame him. He cannot play under these conditions.

The slackers have lit up a bong and playing their music very loud. These slackers' aimless conversations, while absolutely interesting despite their smallness, do no favors to their cause or the game! They have infested Fenway Park like ants and they will not leave! One slacker has sat on home plate as if it is his personal couch and is now laughing at an MTV music video as if he was Beavis or Butthead! It's a massacre folks!

Hold on. We have word Commissioner Rob Manfred is approaching the field. He is read to talk to the slackers. He is begging with, pleading with the slackers to leave. He is telling the slackers that baseball is an American past-time. He is telling the slackers these children are here with their fathers to bond over the big game. Hold on. The slackers are retreating.

They're saying... Rob Manfred is a... cool dude? Even though he's... an old fogey? This is miraculous folks! Hold on... hold on! Oh! That slacker just said "Not!" It's over folks, this game is over, baseball is over, Fenway Park is done for. These slackers just take what they want, whenever they want it! The only thing they love is zines and garage grunge music! It's over folks, baseball is over! Good bye, folks! Good bye!

RIP Baseball 600 BC - 2018